"After" Does not Begin with O. Oh Well.

Day 1: Starting something new is always a little awkward - kinks to address, nerves to sort out and thus begins this grief blog/journal. 

My level of anxiety on starting a blog, an actual blog that would be out in the world for people to see is stratospheric. See, while I love to write, my thoughts are typically limited to random Facebook updates, newsletter style emails to colleagues at work regarding random [but hopefully topical] messages and then of course the most captive audience of all: the annual Holiday Letter - yes, I'm one of those. And then, of course, there are the 4-5 works of fiction that I am constantly noodling over, but never pushing out into the world, in spite of big dreams of publishing of book.

I took a baby step in the this direction when Dad was admitted into the ICU during his all too brief Covid-19 battle. There were so many people looking for updates and the text/email/Facebook traffic amongst the family became challenging to juggle, so we decided to channel updates through a blog, written by me, but with content, stories and inspiration by my Sisters, Brother and Mother. Goodness, did that vehicle become a source of catharsis during such a short-lived, but harrowing time in my life. When it was time to say 'goodbye' to the blog, I felt in a way I was experiencing another kind of loss. I immediately fell into reading about grief and a recurring coping strategy I read about was to write so a nagging little voice in my head said, "Well, let's do this."

Goals: I really have none. 

Well, none that are concrete. There's this loose, nebulous thing to address that is me reflecting on my own healing following the passing of my father. I suppose I hope that through these reflections, I'll begin to return to my usual form or perhaps feel more comfortable in the new skin in which I'm to exist moving forward. 

I'm an over-sharer by nature and have found that as uncomfortable as it can be to put my voice out into the world on sensitive topics, when I have, there is often a boomerang effect from a lot of receivers - and I'm often humbled to hear how my words may have inspired a positive change in someone's life

Anyway, there are some that would prefer we "heart on our sleeves types" just retreat, but y'all are not the ones likely to read these messages anyway. I write and I share for all the others, so that I may continue to learn and hear stories of growth and change and continue to be inspired to put one foot in front of the other on those days when I need a boost. 

What to Expect: Oy. Another challenging thing to address. 

Seeing how I have no concrete goals, I am setting about on this blog in a very un-Carrie like manner. There is no master plan, no road map, no schedule, no format. Perhaps by process of elimination, I may just come up with what to expect if I just keep listing what not expect.

I will intentionally channel a former mentor of many years who used to advise "Let the Spirit Move You". 

To that end, if I know myself, I can predict some form of erratic posting schedule nearer term and likely move into a bit of a groove. And I do believe that there is this form of wry humor that will show itself in spite of my pain. But I do feel strongly that that piece of me is still longing to bubble up with frequency. There is no doubt that story telling will play a role. I live life by connecting stories, plain and simple. 

Blog Naming, Creating, Technical Stuff: Oh my!

So once I bravely decided to press forward on this blog thing, I had a clever idea on a blog name and went to register it: taken. Clever names 2-5: taken. Bereft, I retreated, thought this whole idea was stupid, never meant to happen to and crawled back under my cushy blanket and proceeded to enjoy some delicious ice cream sent by dear friends. Meanwhile, cards and messages continued to come in and so many sweet people commented about Dad's Covid blog and they encouraged me to keep writing, so I was compelled to put on my big girl panties and give it another go. 

Some of my reading had me focused on the concepts on life after loss and I found find those passages the most helpful. They're helpful in reconciling everyday life that keeps barreling forward in spite of this void - a theme I anticipate will reveal itself with frequency. 

I refocused my blog title around "Life After Loss" and went about the painstaking process of combining a blog name and available domain and, oh how tickled was I to land on lolgriefjournal.blogspot.com? LOL? So weird. Quirky. Unexpected when thinking about grief and I think that suits me. But it's short for Life After Loss, it was available and anyway...

Days pass and I'm busy trying to get my act together, continuing to ruminate on this blog. While I'm brushing my teeth one morning, I stop dead in my tracks and want to crawl in a hole. LOL? LOL is not short for Life After Loss. Oy. Face Palm. I immediately start thinking through how I could go about renaming this thing and get a new domain. After all, I hadn't published a thing. But I had a revelation this weekend: LOL will stay. Why? It couldn't be more indicative of the way my brain is computing right now in this grief filled space and I'm going to give myself permission to not get things right. 

My sleep deprived brain momentarily believed "After" began with "O" and guess what? It does not. 

Oh well.