Riptide

I've always considered myself a strong swimmer - strong enough. I'm never going to win any meets, take home any medals and I certainly won't look elegant while attempting any strokes, but I'm going to stay afloat. I'm more of a fresh water girl - lakes, rivers, streams and, if I must, a pool are my preferred swimming holes. That said, I certainly enjoy the beach, too. However, especially with the beaches I've frequented on the Atlantic, I learned at an early age to respect the ocean water - getting caught up in a riptide or two will teach you some lessons. 

The first time I tangled with a riptide, I didn't realize it in the moment. I just remember Mom frantically screaming at me to get back to shore. I didn't understand why she was angry <she wasn't angry - she was freaking out - her kid was sliding out to sea, but didn't realize it>. It took some time and it seemed like I finally washed up miles away <I'm sure it wasn't "miles">, but I found myself in my Mom's clutches and found out what the fuss was about. I wasn't in trouble! She was just worried about me.*

The second and last time I remember being in a riptide, I was older - mid twenties. My husband and I were swimming idly and the next thing I know, I'd lost sight of our belongings. Naturally, I started to swim, furiously, back in that direction, but to no avail. I became tired and frustrated, as did Chris. I'm unclear at what point we fully realized we'd been swept up in a riptide, but once we did, clearer heads prevailed and we went with it and swam with the current - just as they say to do. We had quite a walk back to our things when we finally hit the shore and we were exhausted, but grateful that we were safe. 

I'll admit that since that time, I rarely make my way in water deeper than my knees on these Atlantic beaches. I'm more cautious and was, no doubt, a nervous mother when my own daughter started venturing out in the breaking waves. 

I find myself in a different sort of riptide right now. I can liken my current experience to both riptide experiences that I can recall. On the one hand, I think I've been in this place for a while now and haven't realized it. However, what I know now is that about 5 or 6 weeks ago, I felt a tug and my instincts told me to fight furiously. Put on a brave face. You're vaccinated now! Be social. Move on. Do the next thing. Get back to the gym. Entirely overhaul your diet and nutrition. Make all the appointments missed during quarantine. Take on new responsibilities at work. Hyper manage the end of the school year. Plan for next year's school year.

Here's the hard truth: I've become very tired and very frustrated. I'm exhausted and weak. I'm in a riptide.

This is a bit of clarity I found in recent days, so no real change in my current psyche as I write, but now that I know - I know what to do. I just need to swim with the current a bit and let it take me where it naturally leads.

I said this the last time I posted and I'm sure to say it again: I need to write and post with more frequency. It helps. I've been writing, but anxiety clutches me and keeps me from posting some of what I've written - it's just too personal. I'm not ready. I may never be ready. 

Speaking of anxiety - it seems I have new friend. She hangs with me with frequency these days. Joy. This is new and different - something to understand and sort through. Another "thing" in my riptide current. Perhaps another "thing" to inspire my writing. We'll see. 

For now, I'm afloat. And I'm just going to keep swimming until I get to solid ground - because it will be there. 

*Dear Mom, I'll add this to the list of "OMG parenting the four of us must have been ROUGH" moments that I'm keeping tabs on. How on earth did you do this four times over?