I've not written since 2/18/21 and, boy, do I feel it.
I mean that literally. My heart hurts, my headaches are fierce. My shoulders and neck are wrought with pressure. There's a high likelihood I'm showing up on zooms looking like this little girl in the photo I've shared...but more to come on her in just a bit. I truly feel better when I write and I know that my body is telling me it's time to release some of this into the interwebs.
Life...has just sort of been plodding along. I've done a superior job dodging friends that are reaching out, because, well, I don't know. Why does one dodge a caring outreach? Work keeps on delivering to-do's and action items. That's probably a good thing. The house is certainly waiting on some TLC. My to-do list around this place is mounting. Only last week did all the "Christmas Linens" (tablecloths, napkins, themed hand towels) get properly folded and stowed in their respective cubby. And now, my poor mother is suffering, having just read of my lapse in task-keeping. Sorry, Mom.
I find myself sponging up sadness and loss more than ever, recently. A little cloud of doom is hovering over my extended family and, to that I plead: 2021...PUMP THE BRAKES. In addition to these things that are happening within my orbit, there are distant, though real, things happening that can just weigh me down: that 500,000 (and counting) milestone of Covid-19 deaths, news surrounding states eliminating masks and social distancing, etc. And then some of my heaviness is simply manufactured - idiocy on social media is an example. I shut that down (well, by and large) for the month of March, just to give myself some space from memes mocking the anniversary of "Two Weeks of Lockdown". They were triggering me into an ugly place, so I was grateful to be able to silence that channel for a spell.
A couple weeks ago, I was numb, sitting with more heaviness and more family members in emotional peril when I had to take action. But what could I do? I began to think about March looming and was heartily reminded of the anniversary of all the Covid-19 lockdowns and the emotional toll of this pandemic and decided to make a burn list. We sat down as a family and wrote down every, stinking, rotten thing that we could think of that has happened in the past year. We put them on index cards and the plan is to burn them: one by one, as a family. I'm looking forward to that bonfire...it's quite a stack of cards.
You see, The Saunders' Six is having to think a little outside the box to sort out all things heavy and sad. Our key advisor, our go-to for wisdom, discussion and collaboration, is no longer with us. But Dad did give us a gift some years ago and it resurfaced here recently...it's a greeting card. The one pictured here at the top of this post, with the little (totally boss) girl with a sour face, recently unearthed from safe-keeping. And what a gift this was!
Backstory: In July, 2015 my little family unit just had a whole lot going on. I found myself, that summer, retreating a bit in contact with my parents and siblings and realized, wow, I really just need to unload a bit and let them know some of the heavy things we were managing - in addition to all that life delivers on a regular basis. So I did what I do: write. I sent them an email message, newsletter-style, just to shout out the headlines and give some insight in what seemed like a harried summer.
That same week, Mom and Dad made a southbound trek from Lake George, NY and stopped at my sister's home in the DC suburbs. Cathy, herself, was having "a day", one day when she, Mom and Dad headed to the grocery story and, in the shopping cart they selected, this greeting card was tucked away, in a bag and had paid for, but left behind. Laughter evidently ensued and Cathy's "day" was turned around.
Some days later, I receive this card in the mail with no written message on the card itself. Instead, Dad penned one of his legendary messages on a scrap piece of paper and tucked it inside the card. It read:
This card was found in a shopping center parking lot, still in the bag from purchase by someone unknown. How ironic Cathy found it on a "bad day" for her, yet here we were with her and we all laughed at the moment which brightened the day. We've had various family traveling items since, think Christmas Pies, Beer or other things*. We decided maybe this should be a traveling family card to be passed any member needing good cheer. It's your turn right now, based on recent email and events in your life! Know we are all concerned for you and send best wished to cheer you on and not feel alone or distressed. No other notations are necessary. Love, Mom and Dad
Some months later, the card was shared and so it began - the card was passed along, along with subsequent notes of good cheer to a recipient in need and, for reference, past notes are included. Last week, the card was dusted off and sent along to a family member, only this time...this time...to see Dad's handwriting and message of love and support when it was so desperately needed? Well, that was a moment for all of us to cherish. We were reminded that though he is not here in body, the legacy of caring and thoughtful insight that he cultivated for years through his written words will endure.
So, yes. Things have been heavy and the person we'd all pick to help carry our burden isn't here with us and that just stinks. But there are signals that we are figuring out how do life in spite of this void, even if it is sloppy and experimental at times.
"God's gift of family is a very special gift indeed" - Dale Saunders, December 2020
*Note to self and all readers: Chance of anecdote in future post involving a traveling cherry pie...100%
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